A curtailed manifesto of my journey into madness

If I could travel back in time, I would visit every major moment in all of the universe that could have kept me from being alive but didn’t. Think about it. Think about all the crazy, mathematically improbable things that had to happen to get you to where you are today. Every nebula, every celestial body being formed and interacting with all other celestial bodies; our galaxy, our sun, our earth, our moon, and everything beyond. And then throughout biological history; every molecule forming every cell, every amoeba, every eukaryote struggling to survive. Whatever you believe, believe this; for you to be alive today, a staggering number of things had to line up perfectly. More than you could ever fathom, or orchestrate, or hope for. Every single one of your ancestors, back to the dawn of man, had to survive exposure, illnesses, predators, sustenance, their fellow man, even themselves. I would go back in time and cheer every single one of these events on. I’d high five the first humans to ever get it on. I’d shake the hand of the man/woman who cheated death. I’d watch my story unfold, and I would let my mind melt, overburdened with the complexity that is my existence. And then I’d probably go back and buy land and stock in IBM/Apple. But the other stuff, that comes first.

I am getting so sick and tired of hearing about this ridiculous Chick-fil-A anti-gay hubbub. I find it highly unfortunate that the uneducated twits who don’t even bother to do a simple Google search are the ones that have the loudest voice. First of all, Chick-fil-A having an opinion against same-sex marriage is the same as Ben & Jerry’s having an opinion supporting it. Second of all, do you even know what Dan Cathy said that ignited this social-media conflagration? Here is what he said; 

“We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that. We operate as a family business … our restaurants are typically led by families; some are single. We want to do anything we possibly can to strengthen families. We are very much committed to that. We intend to stay the course. We know that it might not be popular with everyone, but thank the Lord, we live in a country where we can share our values and operate on biblical principles.”

He also said, “I think we are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say ‘we know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage’ and I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about”

How the hell is that offensive? A man stating his beliefs in a way that doesn’t directly target, belittle, slander, or ostracize anyone or any group has been blown completely out of proportion. Ok, so “prideful, arrogant attitude” is abrasive, but notice he is speaking about our entire generation, humans as a whole. And yeah, Dan Cathy has donated money to organizations that fight same-sex marriage. That sucks. But instead of flooding Chick-fil-A parking lots with rainbow flags, girls making out, and picket signs, why don’t you get up off your clearly capable, oversensitive ass, and found a company that makes millions so you can support same-sex marriage in a way that doesn’t make you look like a radical, left-wing nut job?

Don’t get me wrong. Everyone has a First Amendment right to state their own opinion. This also means you can protest to your heart’s content. As such, we need to realize that, as unpopular as jumping off the support same-sex bandwagon is, Dan Cathy did not offend any First Amendment rights—which is more than can be said about the people backlashing at his statements. e.g. Chicago Alderman Joe Moreno said he would work to block any Chick-fil-A in his ward. A city can not legally deny a company permits because it disagrees with the owner’s exercise of his First Amendment rights. To get around this, Moreno has stated he has concerns about heightened traffic in the area, thus Chick-fil-A must GTFO. Despite his obvious knowledge that this is illegal, he still hasn’t backed down. This is a blatant abuse of government power, and should be treated as such. The last thing anyone, left wing, right wing, between wing, should want is the government having the ability to censor the things private citizens can do or say.

Yes, it sucks that not everyone wants to accept everyone and everyone’s opinion. But that’s the world we live in. In other parts of this same world, you’d get your hands chopped off for supporting radical ideas. Here, all you have to do is stop supporting a sandwich shop. We should be so grateful that we even have the ability to protest, and that the issues that bother us the most are (not even) hurtful comments (opinions), and not extreme oppression of our people.

In any case, as you all know, I abhor fundamentalists of ANY extreme, and the way that the internets are blowing up about this overall trivial matter is starting to make me loathe the gay rights movement—not because of the movement, but because of the people it is starting to attract. I’m sorry, but I like my world to have variety, and, while I have my own opinions on same sex marriage (yes, I think it should be legal), I am glad that there are people who are not like-minded out there. This world would be incredibly boring if everyone just accepted everyone else. Also, I love Chick-fil-A sandwiches, and I refuse to stop consuming their delectable animal flesh just because the CEO has a steadfast conviction. There will never be a day when EVERYONE supports the things you hold dear. Deal with it.

Every time I write one of those intensely long blog entries, I mean for it to be short and succinct. Every time I start out, I think, “This will be a short post, this will be a short post…” Here goes.

I miss being creative.

Most of you who know me know that my career as a salesman has come to an end, and my career as a game designer has finally begun (albeit a rocky start). So, when I say I miss being creative, I’m sure a lot of you will wonder, “Don’t you have to be creative all day every day?”

The answer is yeah, sort of.

Being creative in the gaming industry is a brilliant amalgamation of form and function, and it provides a much welcomed change of pace to my every day work. Designing interactive art is a thrill, and I appreciate the direction of artists and designers that have been in the industry longer than I. Transitioning from customer support and sales to game design was a lot like transitioning from being hungry to being well fed, in that it was desired, easy, and fun. Nothing about my new career is unpleasant. Except for getting laid off because funding has been cut, of course. But I am departing from the purpose of this post.

I’m not writing this to tell you how wonderful designing games is; that is obvious. I’m writing this because I feel very uninspired lately.

Working in a creative environment has sharpened my eyes and skills, and it will continue to do so. Even so, during my time at Idol Minds (the aforementioned game developer I worked for) I found myself returning home after a long day at the studio, wanting nothing more than to just sit down and read a book or play a game. I didn’t want to even look at a computer and try to make it dance fancy. Painting, drawing, writing, even photography became a chore. A close friend asked me to design a website, and I thought the opportunity would be a refreshing change of pace, and a valuable learning experience. It was not. While I enjoyed helping a friend and learning new web design principles, I found myself cringing at code, and despising design. The website turned out far less visually appealing than I had hoped, and I hardly had the motivation to make any changes to it.

But I’m not employed anymore, and I still feel this lack of personal creativity.

Professional creativity is still unyielding; when I am faced with a design test for a potential job, or whilst admiring (tearing apart) other designers’ art, I am keen to the demands of the art at hand, and I am eager to get my hands dirty. Once that is over, however, I sit on my hands and think about all the pretty things I could be creating. And I don’t create. I don’t touch Photoshop or Illustrator. I don’t sketch up t-shirt designs, or wall art. I don’t play with typography, and hardly do I even write blogs anymore. I don’t even own a decent camera anymore. Yet being unemployed just begs me to use my time to be more creative.

It’s quite frustrating, and I feel stuck.

Design and art take on so many forms, and every day I am fascinated with the way people utilize the tools of our day and age to create wonderful pieces of art. I have access to all of these tools (well, some I can’t currently afford), and I sit around looking at them like they’re art themselves, finished pieces to be left untouched. Still, when I see design (or anything else) that inspires me, I feel that creative itch. I could sit down and make live or digital music, or I could animate something in Flash. I could take some photos with my iPhone, and mess with them in Photoshop. I could use my Bamboo tablet to draw things out in Illustrator, or I could use what charcoal I have left and sketch up a still life. I never was much of a painter, but I could try my hand. I could write some poetry, or get started on that book I tell everyone I’m going to write but never sit down and actually write it. Hell, I could learn some more web design, or coding, or grab an Arduino and dick around with it.

But I don’t.

And I don’t know why I’m so terribly unproductive lately. Every time I sit down to do something creative, I get distracted and just end up playing a video game, or eating. Lately, creating something feels a lot like starting over in a relationship; there is so much to do, so many things to build up, and it all just seems like so much work. A blank canvas doesn’t turn into a finished piece in my mind—it’s just a blank canvas, with so many possible twists and turns that my creative process turns and hides in fear that the vague idea I currently have will inevitably turn into something completely different, or require massive restructuring to achieve satisfactory results. 

Sometimes I wonder why I ever decided to be an artist rather than a mathematician, or engineer.

Maybe I need a muse.